We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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