A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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