Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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