the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
