highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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