I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Randomize
