it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
