Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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