People in love make me want to vomit
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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