why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
if only i could text you this smell
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
