return my video game
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
