Where did you get a picture of my penis
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize