my phone needs a breathalizer
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
