I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
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