With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize