If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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