come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
