mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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