she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
