I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
