I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
