she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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