laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
