ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
