I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Someone came in the potted fern
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
