Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
