Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
