my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Randomize
