I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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