YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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