Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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