two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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