I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
