The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
