Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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