That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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