I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
