he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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