i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
