I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm getting married
To pizza
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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