I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
just found out that she named her cat after me.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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