I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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