please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
