I just gift wrapped bread.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
