Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
