So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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