3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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