I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
