sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Randomize
