Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Dicks are not precious.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize