areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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