She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize