If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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