I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
he shaved USA in his pubs
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize