why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
