You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
How does it feel to date your dad?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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