I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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